It's the thought that counts.

It's 9:29 AM. I've been sitting here in my bathrobe shoveling white cheddar popcorn into my face for the last 20 minutes solid. And it's no casual shoveling. There's an urgency about it that you'd only be able to understand if you could witness it. Ok fine, I'll take a quick snap shot and post it so you can see me right now.

That's not really me but you get the idea.

Anyway, what really chaps me about this is that I am all congested with a miserable head cold so I can't even taste it. I'm gettin' nothin'. Nevertheless, I can't stop shoveling. I'm just shoveling, tastin' nothin', imagining what it would be like if I could. Calories shouldn't count against you if you can't taste anything. So I'll offer a little tip before we move on. If you happen to be at the supermarket and look over to see a little Italian looking bastard in a chef's hat named Colby staring you in the face, run in the other direction. Don't you dare let him lure you in.

Because the truth is, Colby is actually a Colombian drug Lord, and this popcorn is laced with crack cocaine. And I promise there'll be no escaping once you begin.

So, what I really want to talk about... what's I really wanna get off my chest.... is the little subject of gift giving. I've been mullin' this around in my mind here for some time now. And I've decided gift giving is a real art. One to be developed. One that really doesn't come so naturally to most. Especially in a marriage.

When you're single, special occasions come and go and if you happen to be in a relationship when one comes around, then you have to follow protocol. If you're not in a relationship at the time, you're off the hook. But once you're married, you better believe that it can be a full time job. And for women in particular, it's important. Very important. Mostly just the top 5 though, so you husbands can rest easy every other day of the year. Top 5 include: Birthday, Christmas, Valentine's day, Anniversary, Martin Luther King day.

What, you didn't know Martin Luther King day was on the list?? And you've been wondering why your wife is always in a particularly foul mood on this day, haven't you? Okay, maybe not the last, but in place of MLK day, we will throw in those "just because" days, when you are expected as a husband to give gifts (or do something special) on days other than those mentioned above, just because you love and appreciate her. These "gifts" are not required to be tangible items, but can also include acts of service (as in full body massages, not so much taking the garbage out) or something like a heartfelt card of appreciation or candlelit dinner at home. *Wives also have the same obligations, like going out of our way to make hubby feel special and loved, but I'm speaking from a woman's perspective. Plus, women care lots more about this crap then men do anyway.)

As I said, this is important. Let me tell you what's important about it. Not the money spent. Not the size or extravagance of the gift. The thought. The thought you put into it. As soon as a gift is given to a woman, there is an immediate evaluation check list that she goes through in her subconscious. And she goes through the check list at a rapid 1.7 seconds.

-How many hours of pondering was he required to sacrifice before landing upon this idea in his mind?

-Is this a reflection of the fact that he really listens to me and picks up on all of my clever subtle hints I've been dropping? (She could tell you each and every time she has dropped one of these subtle hints... the setting, time, what she was wearing, etc.)

-Does this gift reflect how much honest thought went into how much I personally will LOVE this gift?

-Does it reflect my individuality and unique awesomeness? (Did he see this and say, "ohhh this just look SO much like my wife... this is SOOO her"? Because we can tell immediately if this inner dialogue took place or if it did not).

I've only been married once, and because of that my personal experiences that I will draw from will be from my relationship with my husband. And first and foremost, I want to do a little horn tooting. I want to tell you about the most meaningful and memorable Valentine's gift he has ever given me. It was the V day of 2008, and he presented me with a framed list entitled, "101 things I love about my wife," with the subsequent 101 items listed below, everything from physical attributes to personality to strange little quirks and mannerisms. The frame was not expensive, the paper it was printed on was nothing extraordinary. But I cried, and I giggled and I got all gushy and ridiculous, reading the list aloud and coyly saying things like, "Oh.. yeah I guess you're right... I guess I do have kinda pretty feet.... and I guess I do have a pretty playful personality...." He is still riding on the coattails of that list, as he should for the rest of his life. Because I refer to it often when I'm feeling pouty or neglected in any way.

Do you know how much time it would take to put together a list of 101 items?? Big time points there. Like, a ridiculous amount. He should probably make a copy of the list, shrink it down and carry it around in his wallet so he can pull it out and flash it in front of my face whenever I want to talk about how he's failing to make me feel special.

Now that we have that out of the way, let's get on to the nitty gritty. The what-not-to-do's:

-Don't buy her something you want for yourself and pretend that it's for her. Prime example, my brother in law was just telling all of us about a month ago while we were in Arizona visiting how much he loves that painting of George Washington praying, and how much he'd like to get one for his home office. This is the one:

Bethany (my sister) and I agreed that it is indeed a cool painting and that was the extent of the conversation.

He gave her the painting for Valentine's Day. I'm not kidding.

She opened it and just looked at him with a confused expression and said, "Oh, this isn't for me..." and handed it back to him. They had a good laugh about it, and now it's hanging in his home office. I think it's probably safe to say that when searching for the perfect Valentine's Day gift for your wife you may want to avoid anything that has to do with George Washington... or any other great political leader of history for that matter. I think I'm safe in saying that.

-Don't replace a household appliance and realize that the timing is right for you to try to count it for a gift. Like if your dishwasher breaks down around the time of her birthday... yeah, don't even think about it. Fortunately, I don't have a personal example on this one, but I can promise that you won't be happy with the results here if you do this.

-Don't get her men's clothing. Period. Or things you could never see her actually wearing. Or apparel from your company and chalk it up to a special occasion item.

Direct quote from my husband on Christmas morning: It might be kinda big, but it's a small in mens.

That means it's a man's coat. I think more than that with this one, it just looks nothing like anything that's in my wardrobe. The subconcious surveying of the amount of thought that went into it resulted in scores that were not good.

I got lucky on this one because I bought him a Wii and with no hesitation, he went and traded it in (upgraded) for the Xbox Kinect, which I didn't even know was legal gifting procedure until that moment. So I was happy to thank him, but tell him "I just don't think I'd ever wear it honey", and ask him to take it back to his work. Though I was nervous prior to having the convo, no harm done.

-Don't misspell your wife's name on a lovey-dovey hallmark card. Probably shouldn't misspell it ever. Now, I only know one person who this has happened to, my sister Vanessa. I'm not sure if it's even happened to anyone else... ever... but because it happened to her, we'd better include it on the what-not-to-do list. And yes, they were married when this happened. Had been for 4 years.

-Don't ignore when she says what she really wants and get her what you want her to want instead.

This one is really somethin', because I expressed my wishes in the very last blog post I wrote on this here blog, folks. And I quote (ahem): I do like to bike, but haven't spent any time on a road bike, and frankly... they scare me. I hate not being able to touch the ground while I'm sitting on the seat. I much prefer a 50's style cruiser at a nice slow leisurely pace, with one of those old fashioned horns that I can honk. Throw in some streamers and I can't think of anything better.

You can imagine my surprise when a mere 11 days after I wrote those very words, I woke up on Christmas morning to find a Trek road bike under the tree with my name on it.

And believe you me, once we were out of the earshot of his family, words were exchanged. And those are delicate waters to navigate. He told me he just wants wants us to be able to take biking up as a family activity that we do together, and is sure I won't be able to keep up with him if he's on a road bike and I'm on a cruiser. He's probably right, bless his heart. It is a beautiful bike.

But I'm still gonna get my cruiser someday. With the picnic basket. And honking horn and streamers.

There. I feel better getting some of those things off my chest. And I hope this post can benefit someone out there who is wondering why his wife ran into the other room crying and slammed the door when he pulled out the tickets to the monster truck show for her birthday celebration. No matter how expensive those tickets were, or how much you went through to get ahold of them, bad move. Even worse if they were expensive.

Oh, and I'll admit. Our first Christmas together I bought my husband 10 latin dance classes that we could do together. But now I've learned that sometimes you've just got to get things for yourself and sign them from Santa. Santa comes to our house more often than other houses, like on birthdays, too. It's just that Santa really knows my taste. And plus, I'm such a good girl. Santa could start visiting your house more than once a year, too.