Sorry sister. This had to be done.

Alright alright. It's been long enough. This blog needs a pick-me-up. And I have just the thing.

Before we get into the nitty-gritty, I have to confess the story I'm about to divulge isn't actually my story. And my husband gets mad at me when I tell his stories, which I insist on doing because I make them better and funnier than the way they happened in real life. This isn't my husband's story either, but the point is, I don't mind telling other people's stories as if they're my own. I guess you could call me a story-monger. I collect the good ones every where I go, pocket them for the right time and then I share the wealth with the poor.

So prepare yourself for a goodie. A goodie out of the life of this beauty:

My elder sister. We won't disclose her name in order to protect her identity. But we'll call her... Bethezda. The thing is, again, it's a crying shame when people have real good self-deprecating stories but don't write a blog. Bethezda. Bethezda has great stories but refuses to have a blog. How will her grandchildren know about the life and times of the great Bethezda? How will these stories be remembered if not written down? So, her little sisters, Vanessa and myself, decided it was high time to start sharin' some of her goodies. She's been way too selfish way too long. Plus, she was the hot older high school sister that all of my guy friends ogled over while I was going through my jr. high awkwardness. I actually remember telling one such guy friend, pathetically, painfully and coyly, that, Ya know... people say I look like her... to which he furrowed his brow and promptly responded, Nahhhh. I'm actually FB friends now with this individual, I think I'll go send him a scathing message after this. Point is, they ogled for a lot of years. So let's be honest, she's had this coming to her. Plus, she doesn't curl her eyelashes. Look again. Never had to use an eye lash curler in her life. And never had braces. Okay none of the kids in our family had to have braces (thank you mother), but she has truly flawless teeth. The kind that only are supposed to come with years of painful bracing. The kind that belong in toothpaste commercials, and you look at and go, "Oh yeah, like those are real." Well, they are. So she deserves this post. Oh sissy I'm only kidding! But not at all. This is a self-deprecating blog. And a sister-deprecating blog, too.

There she was, sitting as a freshman at BYU-Hawaii in her astronomy class. The world was hers. And she knew it. But not in an arrogant way. Just in a bright-eyed, life-loving way, hi-fiving every one who crossed her path on campus. So there she sat with a slew of other students, listening intently to her professor expound about the cosmos. Until the planet Uranus came up. Now, the number of jokes people have made surrounding the planet uranus over the history of time are innumerable. They're inescapable once the subject of the solar system is breeched. I will say, they're normally made my males. So this one came as a surprise to all of us. But as you'll see, poor little Bethezda just didn't know any better. She. just. didn't. know.

And what I mean is that she just didn't know what the word anus actually refers to. (If you yourself are not sure of its biological definition, take a moment to look it up in a reputable dictionary. Don't just google search it though, I warn, go to a dictionary! Or a human anatomy book. Okay fine, go here if you don't know. My goodness.) So, back to Bethezda, she in her splendor of innocent youth, supposed the word to be interchangeable for tushie, keester, hind quarters, or backside. She supposed it to be just another word for "rear end" in general. So when the planet came up, she thought to herself, I'm gonna make a joke now. And it's gonna be a hit! Perhaps she went back and forth about it a bit in her mind, until finally building up the confidence to take the plunge and announce this joke to her professor and fellow classmates. The joke went a little something like this as the planet of Uranus and its properties were being discussed, Ahem:

"I don't know about your anus! but mine is HUGE! haha!"

Crickets chirped. Expressions of disgust and confusion filled the faces of the entire class and the professor. And an audible, "Ew," was said to have immediately followed. Bethezda, laughing at her joke, desperately gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up around to her peers, and when that didn't work, she even reached out to hi-five the boy sitting next to her, only to have him shake his head in silence and repugnance and turn away.

The professor tried to continue on with the class. But thoughts of Bethezda's larger than life anus filled the room and clouded the minds of all present, until the clock mercifully released those held captive in that room from that shameful hour.

Bethezda gathered her books into her bag, feeling all down-trodden and discouraged at the way her joke had gone over, but she still didn't know why. WHY?? she thought to herself. She might have been screaming that WHYYYYY??? in her head. Until a kind soul gently pulled her aside while exiting the room and explained what the word anus means.

Words could never describe the horror and shame that followed. Poor, poor Bethezda.

You'll be happy to hear that Bethezda has recovered splendidly from that horrific event. She since married a fine lad and birthed 4 strapping children. But she'll never forget, no, not one of us will ever forget, the misunderstanding that took place on a warm day in Hawaii of her freshman year of college.

P.S. You can imagine my horror as her little sister hearing this story when she came back home for summer break, only to find that the confusion surrounding the definition of this word is not uncommon. Didn't people take human anatomy!? Because you see, that very summer I was dating a new boy. He was sweet and good and wholesome. And a gentleman. And as we laid out on our trampoline on a warm summer night looking at the stars, the following conversation ensued: Him: So, what's your favorite planet? Me: (wondering where this could be going and who honestly claims a favorite planet.) Umm I don't know what's yours? Him: My favorite's Uranus, it's really nice. (followed by flirty little chuckle).

And there I lay. Jaw-dropped. Disturbed and disgusted. And astounded that he had made the very same mistake as my dear sister. Because he was too much of a gentleman to really have meant what he said. He simply could not have known. And I didn't have the heart to tell him what in reality he was saying. I mean, he hadn't even kissed me yet. We were just getting to know each other. How could I?

Moral of this story, learn your human anatomy. Just the basics will do. Don't go makin' jokes about body parts unless you're sure what they mean. Another moral, never be prettier than your awkward younger 14-year old sister, especially if she has Ace Ventura hair. It will come back to bite you on the... butt.